Welcome to DGAF Academy
Welcome, welcome! It is your seven thousandth day of school! Oh, has it only been seven days? Great counting! We’re so excited you’re here. Let’s review the schedule for today:
First, you tell me what time you woke up.
So you’ve been watching TV for how long?
Good work, that is the end of your math instruction for the day.
Now, let’s get you some breakfast. Oh, you were forced to feed yourself because your parents slept in? I’m so proud of your independence! At DGAF Academy we strive for independent, self-sufficient, self-reliant children. Not because we’re scared that you might need these skills for navigating a dystopian landscape where all the adults are gone, and you have been left to fend for yourself, hahaha. Wouldn’t that be so silly?
Okay, so we need to do reading and writing. Go read.
No I don’t want to read to you, in the last ten minutes there have probably been dozens of new articles posted and I need to read ALL OF THEM. No I don’t want to read them to you. I don’t want to give you a complex. What’s a complex? Um, Alexa, what’s a complex. No. Alexa, cancel. ALEXA. CANCEL. ALEXA. DEFINE COMPLEX.
There, did that help? Go read something.
Did everyone enjoy their reading time? Did it fill the gaping chasm in your mind as it seeks to exercise control in a world where the only constant is bleak, indifferent chaos? We’re just being silly again. Why don’t you tell me about the book you read, instead.
Alexa, play Frozen 2 soundtrack.
Yes, you may have snack. No, you may not have juice. Yes, you can play legos. Yes I can play a board game with you. Put away your Legos first. PUT AWAY YOUR LEGOS FIRST. I AM GETTING A TRASH BAG AND I WILL THROW AWAY YOUR LEGOS IF YOU DO NOT PICK THEM UP. Thank you. Okay, you wanted to play a board game? No, you want to do a puzzle. Sure, fine. No, you can do this puzzle by yourself. Yes, you can. Here, I’ll just sit near you while you do it and drink my tea. Nothing, I’m just checking my email. Fine, yes, I can help you. Sorry, I didn’t realize you wanted to put that piece in by yourself. You asked me to help! Fine I won’t help. No, I don’t know where that piece is. Yes, I can play a board game with you. Yes, I will get it down for you. It’s your turn. Stop that, it’s my turn. Stop that, it’s your sister’s turn. Stop shaking the board, it’s your brother’s turn. Stop cheating. Oh my god, yes, that counts as cheating. Didn’t I just feed you? Fine, yes, we can have another snack. Stop rushing me. No, you may not have juice.
Oh, I guess that counts as lunch. Right, I was trying to give my welcome speech but got distracted. As you know, DGAF Academy is a half-day program taught by highly educated professionals who are somehow incapable of teaching you how to hold a pencil so your hand won’t hurt. Which reminds me, we were supposed to do a writing lesson. Tomorrow! It will totally happen tomorrow. We’ve got nothing but time.