DGAF Academy is transitioning to Vocational Training

Carolyn Abram
2 min readApr 13, 2020


Welcome children! Big news here at DGAF Academy. With the extension of the school year to “indefinitely” we have also “indefinitely” postponed our academic track in favor of vocational training. There is only one vocational track available at this time. It is cleaning. Welcome to the cleaning track!

I know, I know, cleaning might seem like a disappointing track compared to the exciting careers of your teachers, whose jobs are, evidently, “playing video games on couch” and “reading news on the Internet.” But cleaning can be a very rewarding career for a young person such as yourself! It can be the difference between getting screen time and not getting screen time, if you get my drift.

Great, we have several exciting courses that you will be taking sequentially. First we’ll cover Tidying. Lesson highlights include “Pick a thing up from the floor, then put it where it belongs,” “If there are still LEGO on the floor, then the LEGO are not put away”, and “We folded all your clothes yesterday! Why are they all on the floor again?? How??”

Once you’ve achieved basic competence — I know, I know, this family used to be dissatisfied with anything less than excellence, but we’re in uncharted territory here kiddo — we will move on to the next courses in the sequence: Wiping, Vacuuming, Scrubbing, Disinfecting. These are truly the crown jewels of the DGAF Cleaning track, so valued that your instructors have been happily paying other people to do them on their behalf for years.

No, I will not be paying you to do this. You are a member of this family and you are expected to contribute. As a compromise, I will pay for you to go to therapy when your OCD sets in.